Of Personal Integrity
Why is it that, day after day, I make contracts with myself and then routinely break them?
Whether something as simple as "I will go to bed by xx," or "I will make that phone call," or "I will..." hell, fill in the blanks. Whatever it is, I say "Today's the day" and then don't follow through. Sure, sometimes other issues take precedence - particularly at work. Priorities and such. But, Jesus, why the fuck do I routinely lie to myself? Why can I not just pull the trigger and take action?
All that my inaction does is create more anxiety. Is it really just the fear of being "found out" that I'm such a fuckup? Is it some overblown fear of failure? Am I really so self-destructive? I'm constantly waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Anticipating it. Losing sleep over it. Taking Xanax for it. Why doesn't my crystal-clear ability to recognize this lead to some sort of change?
To do lists don't work. Asking for increased accountability has not worked. And besides, I get SO damned irritated about that. Why do I need someone else to make me accountable? Where is my own personal integrity? Where is the woman that does what needs to be doing without waiting until it's a crisis? God, I miss her.
And why is it, when I know not one single person reads this, that I'm SO bothered by changing tenses in the middle of the previous paragraph? God, I'm neurotic. The weight, the burden, of others' supposed opinions of me is obviously contributing to my inability to "do" things. Did I say obviously? Again, since I recognize it, WHY can't I DO anything about it? "Adjustment disorder," my ass. That just sounds so damned simple. What I need is some way to get outside of my head!
I've told my shrink and my therapist that I am SO SICK of feeling like this. My therapist had an interesting response: It's the healthiest people that seek help. Hmm. In my immediate family, it might actually be true that I'm the healthiest one. But, when one looks at the general population, I hope to hell I'm not indicative of the "healthier" populace.
It's a truly scary thought. But of course, I won't "do" anything about that either.
Whether something as simple as "I will go to bed by xx," or "I will make that phone call," or "I will..." hell, fill in the blanks. Whatever it is, I say "Today's the day" and then don't follow through. Sure, sometimes other issues take precedence - particularly at work. Priorities and such. But, Jesus, why the fuck do I routinely lie to myself? Why can I not just pull the trigger and take action?
All that my inaction does is create more anxiety. Is it really just the fear of being "found out" that I'm such a fuckup? Is it some overblown fear of failure? Am I really so self-destructive? I'm constantly waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Anticipating it. Losing sleep over it. Taking Xanax for it. Why doesn't my crystal-clear ability to recognize this lead to some sort of change?
To do lists don't work. Asking for increased accountability has not worked. And besides, I get SO damned irritated about that. Why do I need someone else to make me accountable? Where is my own personal integrity? Where is the woman that does what needs to be doing without waiting until it's a crisis? God, I miss her.
And why is it, when I know not one single person reads this, that I'm SO bothered by changing tenses in the middle of the previous paragraph? God, I'm neurotic. The weight, the burden, of others' supposed opinions of me is obviously contributing to my inability to "do" things. Did I say obviously? Again, since I recognize it, WHY can't I DO anything about it? "Adjustment disorder," my ass. That just sounds so damned simple. What I need is some way to get outside of my head!
I've told my shrink and my therapist that I am SO SICK of feeling like this. My therapist had an interesting response: It's the healthiest people that seek help. Hmm. In my immediate family, it might actually be true that I'm the healthiest one. But, when one looks at the general population, I hope to hell I'm not indicative of the "healthier" populace.
It's a truly scary thought. But of course, I won't "do" anything about that either.
posted by psychoselph at 10:39 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home