bad night

What the fuck is wrong with me?

So my mother is coming to visit.
So my boss is crazy.
So the kid will be here for a few weeks.
So some friends aren't as close.

why do I feel so GD worthless? The job sucks. No doubt. But this feels deeper. I'm fucked in the head. Feeling worthless. Like I have no friends. Like I'm an alien, incapable of inspiring the caring of others. I'm not good enough to amuse them, or interest them. Afraid to try, knowing (feeling) that I'll fail. I could blame J, for certainly she hurt my self-esteem... but that seems too simple.

I'm down. Feeling inadequate. In everything. Like I can't even grow grass properly. Nor get to work on time. Nor "join in" with others' creativity. Have I alienated friends that were once so close?

An old friend is moving.
A new friend is quitting.
My boss is fucking crazy and I've lost respect for HER boss. So how much of this is work-related?

MIL and S decided dining with my parents was a good idea. Why does that bother me so fucking much??

What will it be like having G home while my parents are here? Why does that stress me so much??

I feel like I'm competing for attention, which is just asinine. Not fair to others, nor to me.

But saying that doesn't make it better.