Enemy

Lost in the darkness....

No. I won't fall back on musical lyrics to express myself. I am both too intelligent and too prideful for such cheats.

(To be clear, and to assuage my aforementioned pride, I've already substituted "good" words with "fall back on" and "cheats" because my vocabulary appears to have taken the day off.)

So, where was I? Oh yes, lost in the darkness.

I'm a victim of my fucked up brain. I hate the word victim, but I fear in this instance the responsibility cannot be placed at the feet of my temporarily compromised vocabulary. Like it or not, victim fits. I am a victim of my fucked up brain.

I feel alone, when surrounded by peeps I love.
I feel self-conscious, when offered nothing but acceptance.
I feel ugly, although I know I'm adored by at least one incredibly special person.

I feel... substandard. Lacking. Wanting. Insufficient.
I feel pathetic.
Worthless.
Forgotten.
Inconsequential.

And now, I feel self-indulgent for articulating my mental insecurities in the midst of a wonderful weekend.

I *am* my own worst enemy, no doubt.

I'm a fucking whack-job
whack-job
whack-job
I'm a fucking whack-job
Who are you?

outside

Weird.

I am weird.

From the outside looking in...

and from downstairs, looking up.

Excluded.

Incapable of breaching the distance.

An outsider. A freak.

Weird.

low

HOW do you overcome a blow to the self-esteem? You meaning me, of course. How do I get back to an even keel, rather than feeling so... worthless?

Anger didn't work.

Time hasn't helped.

Even doggy love is suspect.

Fuck me.

bad night

What the fuck is wrong with me?

So my mother is coming to visit.
So my boss is crazy.
So the kid will be here for a few weeks.
So some friends aren't as close.

why do I feel so GD worthless? The job sucks. No doubt. But this feels deeper. I'm fucked in the head. Feeling worthless. Like I have no friends. Like I'm an alien, incapable of inspiring the caring of others. I'm not good enough to amuse them, or interest them. Afraid to try, knowing (feeling) that I'll fail. I could blame J, for certainly she hurt my self-esteem... but that seems too simple.

I'm down. Feeling inadequate. In everything. Like I can't even grow grass properly. Nor get to work on time. Nor "join in" with others' creativity. Have I alienated friends that were once so close?

An old friend is moving.
A new friend is quitting.
My boss is fucking crazy and I've lost respect for HER boss. So how much of this is work-related?

MIL and S decided dining with my parents was a good idea. Why does that bother me so fucking much??

What will it be like having G home while my parents are here? Why does that stress me so much??

I feel like I'm competing for attention, which is just asinine. Not fair to others, nor to me.

But saying that doesn't make it better.

Removing

My head from my ass, that is. It's way past time.

Increase water intake
Eat regularly
Decrease alcohol intake
Bed by midnight

It's finally time for me to acknowledge what I've long been denying: I need to put parameters on my computer time - and adhere to them - in order to facilitate "healthier" living. Mindlessly gambling is not only a pathetic tool for avoiding stress, thought, feeling, communication and productivity; it is an insult to what was once a fairly functional brain.

I must also stop obsessively checking my email accounts. I have responsibilities at work that must take priority. The dependence on others for attention and/or distraction is counter-productive.

Just... Shit

So it's a new damn year. So what? What's changed? Still crazy. Still unhappy. Still selfish, scattered, and self-destructive. Something's gotta give.

Even if I knew what I wanted, where would I find the motivation or focus to effect change?

Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

Update.

There was a typo in earlier post. Like this: "...and I was too selfish to trout out my "why don't you let me call you back?" line...

I shared that post with S, 'cause I was snickering at my own humor (I'm so fucking vain that way? Why do ya'll humor me?) Fuck. Anyway... or hi-ever, as eb would say--and ya'll know i've never said "hi-ever" in my life, hick or not?!-- so I'm acknowlegign the typo.

progress???!!!

The phone rings. S goes to answer. It's my mother. My mother who almost always waits for me to call her 'cause I have free long distance and she doesn't. It's never a good thing if my mother calls me. Hell, I call her on my birthday these days. Usually when she calls it's either to lay a guilt trip on me for waiting too long to call her (this is becoming less common these days, as email is cheaper) or to relate bad news - usually someone dying. So. The phone rings. S goes to answer. It's my mother.

She chats politely with Momma for a moment then passes the phone on to me:

Me: [with trepidation] Momma? What's going on?
Her: I just wanted to let you know your daddy's eye surgery has been scheduled for next week.

What a relief. Daddy has glaucoma and is having surgery. He's looking forward to improving his vision. I'm happy for him, and not particularly anxious that anything will go wrong.

After a brief chat (her dime, remember - and I was too selfish to trot out my "why don't you let me call you back?" line), we hung up.

Me: Daddy's glaucoma surgery has been scheduled for next week.
S: Oh? Can he take time off work?

For just one moment, that stung like hell. Then I let it go and we laughed. Why is it I used to grab those moments of pain and hold on to them like a lifeline?

I don't know if it's the meds or the therapy or the healthy relationship... and I don't care.


note to selph's friends: I want points for utilizing the strikethrough code in the title while smashed.

It's really counterproductive...

To ignore the phone ringing in my office when the caller ID shows someone I don't wanna talk to. Thing is, I'm so fucking anal about the red message light on my phone that now I HAVE to check the message. So... why not just answer the phone in the first place? The red light is mocking, mocking...