Doubt
Is this "public" forum really helpful? Is it good to put my fucked-up thoughts to text? Or am I simply increasing the instances of "living in my head"?
I find I feel doubtful at this moment. Anonymity was the idea. Coupled with expressiveness. And journaling my fucked-up thoughts. But right now I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Seems it's sort of releasing the beast. Why should I give my brain more liberty to dwell (for lack of a better word) on everything it's not doing right?
Have I mentioned how much I hate over-analyzing everything I feel and think and do? And how fucking scared I am that I will destroy what would otherwise be a pretty damned nice life?
Maybe I should make a deal with myself: I'll post something positive next time around. Nah, that probably won't work. I'm really skilled at not keeping promises to myself.
Jeez, how's that for a positive thought?
I find I feel doubtful at this moment. Anonymity was the idea. Coupled with expressiveness. And journaling my fucked-up thoughts. But right now I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Seems it's sort of releasing the beast. Why should I give my brain more liberty to dwell (for lack of a better word) on everything it's not doing right?
Have I mentioned how much I hate over-analyzing everything I feel and think and do? And how fucking scared I am that I will destroy what would otherwise be a pretty damned nice life?
Maybe I should make a deal with myself: I'll post something positive next time around. Nah, that probably won't work. I'm really skilled at not keeping promises to myself.
Jeez, how's that for a positive thought?
posted by psychoselph at 11:15 PM
2 Comments:
Hi, Selph, came to you by way of your kind comment at my blog. Sounds like we have a bit in common, what with the major chronic depression, the anxiety, the perfectionism, the self-doubt, etc.
I made a deal with myself at the beginning of the year to do my damndest to let myself experience my depressive swings without embracing the self-hatred that generally comes packaged with them. So far, it's working pretty well at keeping me from spiraling and getting caught up in perpetual negative thought loops. The depression is self-limiting when I'm successful.
"And why is it, when I know not one single person reads this…"
Uh-oh, pressure's on. I like the way you write, and I look forward to hearing more from you. : )
I knew commenting was a mistake ;p
Must be my desire for attention on my terms.
Thanks for your kindness. I'll try to keep the self-hatred in check. It's really encouraging to hear you're meeting with some success.
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