Assigning Fault

I just solicited an opinion on something I do, then felt hurt when the response was not as glowing as I expected. Did I set myself up? Whether I did or not, I recognize (I think) that the error is mine. (I'm always being told it's not a matter of wrong or right, that there doesn't have to be a guilty party. In this area, it doesn't even seem to be a learned, conditioned behavior. Instead, it feels as though it has always been... it just is.)

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At this moment, I'm obsessing over a brief interaction earlier this evening.

That's the thing about writing. Writing is far and away my preferred mode of communication. I adore the fact that I can edit endlessly if I feel the need to, and the recipient will only see the polished result. Sometimes I forget myself though, and let the errors through. Everyone makes typos. WHY do I feel that a recipient of an error-bearing missive will JUDGE me? (Thanks, Mom?)

Anyway, the thing about writing is that once presented, whether electronically or on good old-fashioned paper, it can't (usually) be retracted. It's out there. For the recipient to see. And JUDGE.

(Ugly thought - what if I'm projecting because I judge others???)

I get so scared that the facade will slip in front of those I know and love, that they'll see me fuck up and then no longer like me. Self-obsession is ugly. In more ways than one.

So is starting with one topic and ending with another. But I think I can forgive myself for that. Free association and all that jazz.