warp speed
Overall, it's been a good day. Fairly productive at work, excellent conversation with a new friend *wink*, and a playful evening with ksm. My supervisor's idiosyncracies were tolerable. Interactions weren't tainted with those little blips of impatience and/or irritability that sometimes rear their ugly heads, nor was I a lump mindlessly clicking my way through the blogosphere. What I am feeling at the moment, however, is manic. Way too keyed up. And that precipitates the mental debate: Which is worse, the mania or the medication? Logically, I know I'm placing too much significance on this. Those little .25mg tabs are hardly the gateway to addiction. And yet... I have a somewhat addictive personality. I've proven it by abusing alcohol and Ritalin in the past. And there were those times when I self-treated with St. John's Wort. And all the instances when I know I've had too much caffeine, too much alcohol, too much sinus medication, etc., but fail to stop. Stop. God, I'm babbling. This is what it's like when my brain is on overdrive. Again with the logic. If I had a headache right now, I'd take a fucking aspirin. Instead, I have a head-warp right now. Ergo, take a Xanax. It's not rocket science. Don't be a lump now! Go take a pill.
Now, what is the source? Cy's on vacation. No better time to need a therapist than when she's unavailable. Anxious about NYC this weekend? Anxious that new friendship may have negative impact on other party? Rapacious need for attention? That brief interaction with my mother earlier (I'm never good enough in her eyes. Or at least, that's how I always perceive it.) My mind is just awhirl right now. Not making a lot of sense. Must maintain facade of control. (Must look up how to make little French thingy on the "c" in facade! I wonder if ksm knows what it's called.) Jesus, I just had to change that "sense" sentence because I typed "since." Not good. But still editing. Even if the sentences aren't sentences. (Mental giggle: imagining all the green underlining that would show if I were typing in Word: "fragment, consider revising.") Right about now I'm wishing I hadn't taken so long to mentally debate whether to take that pill or not.
I was trying to think of a song that would relate to my mental whirlwind right now. The first thing that came to mind was Free-falling by Tom Petty, but that doesn't quite cut it. I need to find a song about a storm. A wind storm. A zephyr of incredible intensity. Shit, I'm still babbling. Enough.
Now, what is the source? Cy's on vacation. No better time to need a therapist than when she's unavailable. Anxious about NYC this weekend? Anxious that new friendship may have negative impact on other party? Rapacious need for attention? That brief interaction with my mother earlier (I'm never good enough in her eyes. Or at least, that's how I always perceive it.) My mind is just awhirl right now. Not making a lot of sense. Must maintain facade of control. (Must look up how to make little French thingy on the "c" in facade! I wonder if ksm knows what it's called.) Jesus, I just had to change that "sense" sentence because I typed "since." Not good. But still editing. Even if the sentences aren't sentences. (Mental giggle: imagining all the green underlining that would show if I were typing in Word: "fragment, consider revising.") Right about now I'm wishing I hadn't taken so long to mentally debate whether to take that pill or not.
I was trying to think of a song that would relate to my mental whirlwind right now. The first thing that came to mind was Free-falling by Tom Petty, but that doesn't quite cut it. I need to find a song about a storm. A wind storm. A zephyr of incredible intensity. Shit, I'm still babbling. Enough.
posted by psychoselph at 10:02 PM
3 Comments:
The little c thingy is called a cedilla, and you can make one by typing alt+c (PC) or option+c (Mac). That's the easy part.
Mania is harder. Do you think you may be less ADHD than bipolar? Dunno if you're familiar with Bipolar II: That's where you have periods of depression and periods of hypomania, which is more euphoric than out of control. I like to call it Bipolar Lite.
I don't mind euphoria, wherein I feel kind of bionic and able to do anything I set my mind to, but the fun stops once my mind starts to race and I can't silence myself, and mixed episodes suck hard because they sort of give destructive energy to the negativity of depression. I think the Seroquel is what has finally given me some measure of peace in that arena. It just allows the hard drive to spin down and chill.
I hope your Xanax kicked in and that you're long asleep by the time this has posted.
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Considered bipolar, but not seriously. The "mania" is rare and likely anxiety-based. I cannot contemplate the possibility that my fixture-replacing, weed-whacking, lawn-mowing, brush-clearing productivity on Sunday was controlled mania. Oops, guess I am contemplating it. *sigh*
Cedilla, huh? My thanks.
Yes, Miss Maternal-Who-is-so-Unlike-my-Mother, I was long gone to bed and slept well. :)
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