not hyperactive
So, this is the third post I've started tonight. Manic, indeed. Scattered. All over the place. Gonna focus on that.
ADHD. Ugh. Actually, in my case my therapist always omits the "H" - it's just ADD. I wonder if she'd still say that if she could see how my mind is racing tonight?
Cy (my therapist) made a couple of interesting points in her suggestion that I discuss this as a potential dx with my psychiatrist. First, she considered my inability to complete projects at work, along with inability to prioritize and inability to "pull the trigger" and get started. Then there was my hearing. In general, I hear very well in isolated situations. Hearing tests, for example. I have no problem hearing the upper register, and very little difficulty hearing the lower register. Unfortunately, life does't work like a hearing booth. My problem is a complete inability to filter background noises. Vacuum cleaners, air conditions, radios, other conversations... any noise likes that makes it an incredible struggle to follow a conversation. It's particularly noticeable if the person speaking has a lower voice - like Greg, or ksm's dad. Whatever they're saying just becomes a rumble. And sometimes, I'd rather let it go than have to say, "Repeat that please" one more time.
I associate my issues at work with hating my job, feeling like I can't get anything done because I'm compensating for so many others around me, and my damned internal need to "look" good. Can't be seen doing something I should've done months ago. God, no. God forbid I be seen for the fuck up I am.
As far as my hearing is concerned, well, I think some of it is genetic. My daddy has very poor hearing. Granted, his hearing was further compromised by years of working around heavy machinery, but I think the basic concept of background interference is true for him too.
Despite these rationales, I was excited when Cy started talking about ADHD. I was thrilled with the possibility that some pill would magically relieve me of these particular challenges. I took the medication gladly and was perhaps initially too optimistic as to its efficacy. Now, I don't know. I've backed off from 125mg to 50mg (just went from 75 to 50 today.) I have no idea what's doing what. Goddamnit, I wish I could evaluate myself more objectively.
Fodder for next week's therapy, perhaps?
ADHD. Ugh. Actually, in my case my therapist always omits the "H" - it's just ADD. I wonder if she'd still say that if she could see how my mind is racing tonight?
Cy (my therapist) made a couple of interesting points in her suggestion that I discuss this as a potential dx with my psychiatrist. First, she considered my inability to complete projects at work, along with inability to prioritize and inability to "pull the trigger" and get started. Then there was my hearing. In general, I hear very well in isolated situations. Hearing tests, for example. I have no problem hearing the upper register, and very little difficulty hearing the lower register. Unfortunately, life does't work like a hearing booth. My problem is a complete inability to filter background noises. Vacuum cleaners, air conditions, radios, other conversations... any noise likes that makes it an incredible struggle to follow a conversation. It's particularly noticeable if the person speaking has a lower voice - like Greg, or ksm's dad. Whatever they're saying just becomes a rumble. And sometimes, I'd rather let it go than have to say, "Repeat that please" one more time.
I associate my issues at work with hating my job, feeling like I can't get anything done because I'm compensating for so many others around me, and my damned internal need to "look" good. Can't be seen doing something I should've done months ago. God, no. God forbid I be seen for the fuck up I am.
As far as my hearing is concerned, well, I think some of it is genetic. My daddy has very poor hearing. Granted, his hearing was further compromised by years of working around heavy machinery, but I think the basic concept of background interference is true for him too.
Despite these rationales, I was excited when Cy started talking about ADHD. I was thrilled with the possibility that some pill would magically relieve me of these particular challenges. I took the medication gladly and was perhaps initially too optimistic as to its efficacy. Now, I don't know. I've backed off from 125mg to 50mg (just went from 75 to 50 today.) I have no idea what's doing what. Goddamnit, I wish I could evaluate myself more objectively.
Fodder for next week's therapy, perhaps?
posted by psychoselph at 11:21 PM
3 Comments:
Yeah, I often wish psychiatry were a more exacting science. Wouldn't it be great if MRIs revealed chemical imbalances, and pdocs could simply compensate accordingly? But then no one would make use of therapy, and I frankly feel that there aren't too many souls who wouldn't benefit from a little CBT. (Eek, a double negative, from a copy editor, and she's not even going to change it!)
I'm sorry to hear about the job hatred. Didn't know it had come to that. Do you think about switching jobs, or maybe even careers? "Going to a job you hate day after day can really suck the life out of a person," she says, viewing her illustrious "career" in gay male erotica from a safe remove. Ick.
Pills can be magical to a point. Like, they can save lives, but making the saved life worth living, I'm afraid, is up to us.
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Ack! Now I have to watch my double negatives, too? ;p
Yes, ksm, Cy and I have all agreed I'll be far less stressed if/when I leave my job. I will almost certainly leave the field. Now is not the time, though. And there's the where to go from here part to consider as well.
Don't get me wrong, my friend. My life is very much worth living. I am so, so fortunate. My family, friends, and Suzanne mean everything to me.
You're not suggesting I aim for "Happiest Girl" status now are you?
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